Tuesday, February 9, 2016

Getting nervous ... So so nervous

As my surgery is getting closer, I am getting more nervous. I woke up this morning and I realized there are so many little details that I totally forgot because I was so excited about the surgery. I have many support groups for my surgery, and I use Instagram as an outlet for support as well. You would not even believe how many people out there have had weight loss surgery, and have Instagram accounts. They (as well as I) use Instagram as a way of sharing their journey through pictures. So as I started to panic about all of these little details, I thought why not use my weight loss surgery family and friends to answer my questions and to calm my fears. Though I really needed to blog about how I am feeling today. 

First off, some of the little details may not seem like a big deal to you, the average reader,  but I'm going to be blunt here so bear with me because it's not pretty. When you are laying on an operating table and you are very naked there are some things that no matter what your size you might worry about. If you are a woman one of them might be should I shave or should I just let it be. Some might say just a little bit of grooming is all that you really need. Now I'm thinking what should I do, my stomach is at a point now where I can't really see what's going on down there. I don't want anyone to think that I am gross or that I don't care about my personal hygiene. So what should I do what do other people do? Is anybody going to even care? They are nurses and surgeon who have seen tons of people naked I am NOT special. These are just some of the little things I think about. 

Then I worry about the fact that the first couple of days after surgery I won't really be able to drink much in fact it is a clear liquid diet for the first few days and absorbing very much is going to be a huge task. I have two medications I take every day and are very vital to my whole entire world. One, is a thyroid medication if I don't take this even one day I feel sick. This is a pill that I take in the middle of the night. You might be asking why I would go out of my way to wake up in the middle of the night just to take a pill, and if you are not also a thyroid medication person you would have no idea that you literally have to have an empty stomach to take this pill. Several hours prior and several hours after you cannot eat or drink anything. The best time to take it is literally in the middle of the night. There have been a couple of times where I have not absorbed properly because I did not wait long enough. So even going one day without it does make me feel sick. Next, is my hormone medication now enough said there, but just so you know, me not taking that throws my whole world outta wack. I have hot flashes and I'm crazy moody and one minute I'm completely fine and the next minute I'm crying from a  Kleenex commercial. Everybody walks on eggshells around me when I'm out of medication or have forgotten to take it. So I'm pretty darn good now about taking it religiously every night before I go to bed. The combination of not being able to take these two pills for a couple of days freaks me out. So now I'm trying to figure out what I should do and if I will be okay. 

Another thing I have been doing religiously lately is taking many many many before pictures. Taking these pictures is very important and vital to my success. Even well before the surgery and for many years every time I went to try to lose the weight that I have gained I was addicted to the scale. Scale addiction is just as bad in my opinion as anything else. If the scale doesn't move I am very down on myself. So having these before pictures is super important.  I can see where I have come from, how far I have gone, and where I am going. Taking my before Pictures has also become sort of an addiction to me. I have some clothes that while they don't look attractive on me I have been putting on in hopes that someday very soon I will be able to wear. So I put them on and I take a picture and then I take it off and I store it away. I have been taking pictures of my kids attempting to wrap their arms around me. I've been taking pictures of me and other friends so that one day when I have lost a good majority of my weight we can take another picture, and I can look back and say I am so proud. 

Here is something that I have not talked about with many people. It is very real and very likely going to happen to me. Many people that I have talked to or that I know now, who have recently had surgery within the first week at one point had said "I regret having surgery". That regret comes from the amount of pain that they are in, or the fact that they can't eat,  or the struggle of whatever they're going through at the time. Granted it has been several weeks since their surgery and they now don't quite feel the same way they did then, but I have not ran into one person who has had the surgery,  who didn't at least think it. I am worried that I will hurt so bad in some way that I will to say the same things. I think in my mind it is okay to think that, it is a natural reaction. However, what I'm worried about is ever saying it out loud to anyone else. I worry that people will say see I told you so, or something along the lines of well you are the one who wanted this. (I can hear my husband saying that.)  That is the last thing I want to hear. So I worry about that happening to me, and who will be around to be accepting when I say it. Who is going to be the friend I need to just give me a hug, and tell me everything is going to be okay?

 I have said a lot in the past that I don't have a relationship with food, but since my surgery is coming closer and closer (we are literally 10 days away) I have seen a relationship with food. I am more aware now than I have ever been in my whole entire life, that my whole world is about to change and I won't be able to eat the way I have ever eaten before. The surgeon sent home a surgery packet to me a month or so ago and I read every page cover to cover. Inside that packet was a small section that talked about a food funeral. There is a whole paragraph dedicated to a food funeral. I couldn't believe it. In that paragraph he stresses do not have a food funeral. Yet everybody does it. (In fact, I have every meal planned out, where we will be going out to eat the days leading to my surgery. I will be in a town about 300 ish miles away from home that has everything we don't in my small town)  I have found over the past several weeks I have been doing that. While I don't overeat I have not restricted what I eat. If I want a bite of that brownie I took it. If I wanted to eat Indian food I ate it. In my mind I kept telling myself don't restrict yourself because soon you're not going to be able to have it, and you're going to regret not having had it. I have heard people say that they get jealous when they see other people eating or that they distance themselves at mealtimes from their family, because they are eating something that they don't get to. That is also something I worry about. I can say right here and now that I don't think that will happen to me. Yet the first time it does I might surprise myself and be totally pissed that I can't, or hell just be like, well I chose this and I am going to eat this small portion of yummy goodness like it is my job.. Not because I have an addiction to food or that I even care but that age old question of feeling like why did I do this?  I regret it might come creeping in,  and I won't be able to say anything to anybody or tell anyone because I brought this on myself, I'm the one who wanted it.

 Through this wonderful journey I have met two local women who both are at different stages of recovery in this journey. I have been truly inspired by both of them and have learned a lot from what they are going through. What I have learned is not to compare my story to theirs. Here's another thing I worry about, comparing myself to others. If I don't lose weight fast enough how long am I going to be upset about that ? How am I going to get up in the morning and not try to compare myself to others. Out loud I would like to say that I am optimistic, That optimism rules my world and I see the glass as half full at all times. Do you even buy that load of crap? Let's be real here, I'm a pessimist. Man that feels good to say that out loud because I have never said it. I see the glass as half empty all the time. I constantly worry, I what if myself to death, and I see the negative things before I see the silver lining or the positive every time. Trust me it is exhausting.  I try to surround myself with positive people or people who can be the opposite in their thinking than I am. I genuinely need someone who will be opposite of me to turn it back around for me. I am worried that I will compare myself to my friends. I am worried about losing friends. Due to how this surgery might change me, or how I might be a burden to others. 

Speaking of friends one of my closest, dearest, wonderful friends, my best friend in the whole entire world, the man I married, my husband, I am worried about him. We have been inseparable from the day we met. (Minus the year he left to join the Army)  He has sacrificed so much for this family it is not even funny. Maybe someday I might share that story with you, but for now let's just say my husband has bent over backwards for a family he never knew he wanted. Here I am about ready to do something that will change my life forever. Not once and I say this with shame, not once did I think about how it was going to impact the lives of my husband or my children. (No matter if it was a good impact or bad)  All I wanted to do was be healthy, live longer, run faster, farther, breathes better, play with my children, interact better with my husband, feel sexier, prettier, more confident, love myself. I did not think about how my husband was sacrificing a month of his time to care for a wife who got the surgery. To convince me on a daily basis, when I am a whinny baby, everything is going to be okay. Who's going to get up every morning with the children and get them off to school. Who is going to help me keep the house clean. Who's going to make all the  meals for our family. Who is going to do a lot of the running around and errands. I never once thought about all he was going to go through for me. I have acknowledged him, and thanked him, and told him how much I appreciate him in advance, but I don't think I ever really sat down and thought about the sacrifice he was making for me. How can I ever repay him for his selfless love? There will come a time when my weight loss will make me feel like a million bucks. What I choose to do with that feeling will be up to me. How I choose to react with the world will be up to me. I need to be grown,  I need to be mature,  and I need to realize that I did this for myself,  for him,  and for them. Once I feel better,  my goal is to be a better wife and mother. Just show them in the long run this was for the best. 

These are all things that when I woke up this morning that hit me like a ton of bricks. 10 days away from surgery and all I can think about is dear god I hope I wake up from surgery. Saying that out loud I suddenly feel so selfish. What if I die?  I know that sounds morbid to say, and I agree with you. It doesn't stop it from being true.  What if I die? That is a really hard question and I have not asked my surgeon how many people have ever died on his table. I'm not sure I want to know. See,  I told you I'm a pessimist..... So everyday I try to put up little videos on Instagram or videos here, where I seem spunky and outgoing and full of life and everything is going to be so great. Today I just wanted you all to see some of the other side of me. I have severe social anxiety disorder. My anxiety once it takes over eats me alive. So all I can think about all morning long is how in 10 days this surgery is going to turn my world upside down and I need to deal with it. People might say don't keep that all inside talk to someone about it, don't harbor all those feelings. So I think I'm going to look into talking to a counselor. Somebody who doesn't know me and will keep everything I say confidential. Someone who I can say I regret having the surgery and isn't going to say I told you so. 

Now this was a terribly long blog entry and you might have quit reading after a couple of lines, but if you made it this far, I want to leave you with this. The decisions we make better be worth it, think about everybody who is going to be impacted by your choices,  and make sure absolutely sure that is worth it. I am ready for the surgery now. Thank you for letting me get all of that nonsense off my chest. Love - Trapped Skinny Girl

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